Golf TV commentators must believe that their viewing audience turns over every 30 minutes. So, no need to think, just make the same obvious observations you did last half-hour and describe them with the same relentless cliches.
Here are some I heard this last weekend and, by the way, the weekend before that and the weekend before that and all of last year and….
“He couldn’t do much better than that.”
“He’s just going about his business.”
“He’s got his game face on.”
“If you’re going to miss it, that would be the place.”
“Long bunker shot, the hardest shot in golf.”
“You couldn’t go out there and place it better than that.”
“You could throw a blanket over those three drives.”
“One of the best shots we’ve seen all week.”
“The young guns.”
“It’s a new era.”
“The next wave of talent.”
“They have a chip on their shoulder.”
“Get the range game onto the golf course.”
“He’s a real athlete.”
About Snedeker, variations of: ”His driver swing looks terrific, but his iron play suffers.”
About Snedeker: ”He’s a come-from-behind artist/master/pro.”
“Throw down a bucket of balls, and you couldn’t equal that shot.”
“He just pummeled that one.”
“He is fearless.”
“It is his tournament to lose.”
“It is his not to lose.”
“He’s the best player on the golf course.”
“He’d like to have that shot back.”
“A little ground draw.”
“He threw a dart to the green.”
“We now have a golf tournament.”
“They make it look so easy.”
“Uh Huh.”
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Golf Channel Renames Sovereign Arab State
by Tim Schoch on 4 February 2012
The sovereign State of Qatar is now known as the State of Cudder, or Cutter. This, according to Golf Channel TV commentators and others (who also, coincidentally, follow Noder Daim football, I hear).
This weekend, the Qatar Masters, being played in, I guess, Cutter (which mysteriously shares geography with Qatar), is an exciting event this year, with the likes of Long John Daly striding around the top of the leaderboard. The tournament has been shortened to 54 holes due to wind, and that means one less day of railing to myself about Golf Channel’s odd accent, which seems to have its roots in the Deep South territory known as Lazy.
But aren’t these on-air word wizards also sports journalists, who work for an ever-growing media empire, whose essential job is to communicate? Whether it be instruction, entertainment, or sports coverage, choose one language and stick with it, please. You’ve chosen English, very good, good start in the U.S.A., now all you have to do is stop renaming friendly foreign states and football teams because they don’t roll trippingly off your tongue.
And if I ever see “your” on the www.golfchannel.com site instead of “you’re,” I am done with you. I will pack my things and move to Oreegone or or maybe even Pordo Reeko (but I’m still staying away from Eyerack).
PS: The Qatar Wikipedia page has a audio pronunciation of the name, for those who wish to practice before tripping over their tongue. http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Qatar
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