Adam is the first. The Biblical reference is inescapable. He is the first Australian to win the Masters Golf Tournament.

The victory and exhilaration, for me, is more about the person than the country. Adam’s collapse in the Open Championship was as heartbreaking as this redemptive win was heart-pounding and tear-generating.

Golf can be boring to watch…until it very suddenly isn’t. If you are a patient
viewer and allow the story to construct itself and the drama to unfold, you
will be rewarded with a memorable entertainment experience like none other.

Allow me to coin the term “Reality Sport.” Some legitimate sports, week to
week, build to victories and defeat, culminating in weak human value.

Golf, for me, builds on the backs of its vulnerable players an intricate epic story on an intensely emotional level that accumulates to become a story of monumental achievement and debilitating loss.

The experience happens each week over four days during each tournament, but even more so, more intensely, during the major championships. It is a gift for patient viewers. It is an elevating spiritual experience. It is a Reality Sports experience because the ending is so unpredictable and emotionally charged.

By the way, parents, I can think of no better world into which you should introduce to your children. The First Tee program is the ultimate in sport, ethics, and humanity basics. You can also do this on your own, if you know what golf is all about.

Golf instills life lessons of serious and dramatic import. It can also supply crazy-good suspenseful entertainment.

A friend of mine, who was PO’d at his recent play, said bitterly that the word “golf” is absolutely a rash four-letter word.

“Just one?” I said.

Indeed.

Tiger Woods could school us all on the proper and improper use of four-letter words on the links. But after a round, if someone says, “Want to hear about my round of golf?”  remember this: “golf” in that context is synonymous with a raft of four-five-six- and seven-letter words, reduced to acronyms such as S, BS, MFBS, FCBS, FMFBS, and FSMFBSAHLBABS.

In fact, on the golf course, curse words are funny and not at all insulting. It’s true. Know why?  Because they so drastically understate the situation that it is humorous. There are no modern or ancient curse words that can adequately assuage a humiliating, horrific round of golf.

The word golf, in universal context, stands never alone. It is always preceded by an invisible, unstated adjective, normally involving a rude act of copulation or some disrespect to God or someone’s mother.

What can we do?

As with the golf swing, the only way to rid oneself of cursing on and about the course is to practice. Your teacher will tell you that “Better swings lead to less swearing. Hehe”

Don’t whack him.  Try this. Following your putting practice in the living room, I suggest you practice verbalizing the results in front of a mirror with words like “heck,” “fudge,” “darn,” and “silly me.”  Then repeat ten times, until you stop hitting yourself on the head with the putter shaft.

Then, while all that practice and pressure is upon you as you step up to the first tee, remember this:  you need to complete your round in under three hours.

Golf!!!

Putters anchored to bodies is okay?

Ooops, anchored putters in golf is not okay?

Ooops, anchored putters in golf is, indeed, okay?

Are we to believe there is no increased stability factor?

Why not leather straps to your forearms for drives?

Why not spring grips pressed against your chest for snappy release and increased wedge spin?

Why not balls already attached to the clubface that release upon contact with superconductor tees?

Why not golf shoes that shoot spikes down one foot into bunkers so no one ever slips?

And laser range finders aren’t allowed?

Are we PC’ing the rules of golf so we don’t hurt players’ feelings?

Are we saying just because we’ve been allowing this violation for XX years that that is reason for legalizing it?

Amnesty for illegal putters?

Can we please snap out of it?

Isn’t it enough that super balls go crazy distances off space-age clubface materials?

Don’t you realize that raising the question already has made a cheater out of every player with an anchored putter?

Swing the club freely–is that a hard guideline to enforce?

Should I, as an amateur, assume pros are lying when they say they have solved their chronic putting problems by going with an anchored putter?

Can I remind you of Bernhard Langer?

Am I to forget all that when a pundit says that tests show that anchored putters provide no advantage?

Are you willing to insult the intelligence of millions of golfers everywhere?

Can we please attempt to erase this permanent stain on the integrity of the game?

Am I that far out of line?

Tiger Woods and Rory McIlroy were defeated in the first round, yet two annual warriors fought their way through the field to throw it down in the championship match today.

As always, I am not going to recount the events. I’ll leave that to the reporters. What I am interested in is the experience of watching the spectacle on television.

Golf Channel began their crazy coverage of this event by focusing on everyone but the defending champion, Hunter Mahan. They wrote him off early to focus on more flashy hopefuls like Colsearts and Poulter and others. Even on Sunday morning, when there were only 4 pairings to cover, Hunter’s match was barely covered at all. I found myself going to pgatour.com for updates (hunting, BTW, for their nearly invisible leaderboard link.  Come on guys, make it easier to get updates!).

Poulter was a raging inferno until Sunday, when he folded like a lawn chair in both his matches. My guess is that he was tired. His game is energetic and near genius. He is amazing to watch, as is the eventual winner, Matt Kuchar. As is the defender, Hunter Mahan.

Mahan sliced through the field like a hot butter knife and no one seemed to notice until Sunday, late.  And even then, it seemed that the announcers pointed out every bad shot Mahan “could” make before he even swung a club. Someone must have whispered in the headsets to “Say something NICE about Mahan!!!” because every now and then the commentary would say something unrelated but flattering for Hunter.

But Kuchar was amazing. I’m not sure his performance would have stood up to stroke play scoring, but in match play he killed and broke hearts.  Love the Koooooooch.

I wish there was one more major match play tournament for us to enjoy. The format is refreshing and every hole is a separate drama to savor.

Congrats to Matt Kuchar and Hunter Mahan for an extraordinary day of golf entertainment.

Golf…can you laugh at it?  

Humor is all about misleading intent. For instance, what am I talking about here –

“It feels good when I stroke it slowly or fast. The longer it grows, the better it feels. Sometimes, I just can’t stop myself from stroking it.”

If you said “your beard,” you’d be right!

Funny, but crude, but funny.

Humor is funny, ain’t it? You can find something funny and totally be missing the point or context, which, when you catch on, gets you chuckling even more. I’m laughing right now just thinking about it.

The game of golf is packed with juvenile humor and doubles entendre for boys and girls. Some of these one-liners go back a century:

“Got your balls?”
(High voice) “I knew I forgot something!”

“It takes a lot of balls to golf like I do.” (ha-ha)

“I think I bent my shaft.” (ouch!)

“Now, for your first lesson: Stick your butt out, spread your legs, then bend over. Now, grip this.”

“Where are you going?”
“To wash my balls. Hehehe.”

Oh yes, there are a million of them.  And some are true, as well as being funny::

“Your golf addiction is driving a wedge between us.”  (So very very true)

“The more I practice, the luckier I get.”  (And richer, too)
–Gary Player and others

“Practice does not make perfect. Only perfect practice makes perfect.”  (Obey)
–Vince Lombardi

“The best place to refine your swing is, of course, right out on the practice range . . . You will have an opportunity to make the same mistakes over and over again so that you no longer have to think about them, and they become part of your game.” (Yikes!)
–Stephen Baker

“While playing golf today, I hit two good balls: I stepped on a rake.”  (too visual)
– Henny Youngman

“If you drink, don’t drive. Don’t even putt.” (Genius)
– Dean Martin

Part of common human knowledge. Anyone can finish this joke:
“I play golf in the 80s.”
“__________________________”

Even religious:

“God must have loved the double bogey golfer, because he made so many of them.”

So, as the golf season begins,  Google up some golf chuckles as you prepare for this year’s punishment. There is a lot of truth in humor. And a lot of stress-relief too.